So, I'd like to get it straightened out & make sure you get your kid back. Surely the child you've been raising for the past 3 years must be an angel...no offense. He must be perfectly well-behaved. He is? OK, that's my kid. The kid that I've been raising is...hmm...more in line with what I'd expect of your kind.
This is the part where I go into an hour-long monologue on recent incidents, including the way this child goes into the bathroom, bypasses the toilet like it's some kind of decorative urn & then pees in the bathtub; the LOUD PROTESTS against holding my hand in the street, forcing me to pick him up & carry him kicking & screaming--will someone please call the police & have me arrested? Please??; mentally proclaiming it Opposite Day anytime he hears the phrase "Be good."
I don't want to sound paranoid, but I think his personal hero is Rhoda from The Bad Seed. I'm worried his high school superlative is going to be "Most Likely to Set Your House on Fire (with You in It)." I've spritzed this child with more holy water than you can imagine & nothing helps. There's just no way this is my kid. Anyway, I figured the little hellraiser would be happier back at home with the other...hellions. So what do you say?
Hey, where are you going? Why are you running from me? Wait...WAIT!!! You get back here & GET YOUR KID!!!!!! Pin It Now!